Does ‘Roger’ deserve some penis PR?
First of all, a warning. Unless you’re 18 or over, please don’t read on. Have a look at some of the other pages on this website. Because what follows is not for young minds. It’s for people brought up on cheap puns and Carry On-style innuendo.
Every week we select the person – or persons – we believe to have had the biggest (first pun) influence on the news agenda and the collective PR consciousness.
But this week our top influencer isn’t a person. Or persons. Or even a place, or a brand. This week, it’s an appendage.
Max Clifford’s appendage, to be precise.
Lurid sex stories are nothing new to Max. They’ve been part of his unique PR armoury for decades. And now, it seems, the tables are being turned on the man who’s had such an influence on celebrity reporting and the public popularity of the so-called ‘kiss and tell’.
Certain media outlets are taking great delight in focusing on the most…err…”intimate” details of his court case. Even The Guardian, for goodness sake.
His penis is everywhere. No, not like that, m’lud. We mean it’s all over the internet. Not surprisingly, they’re having a field day with knob gags on social media. It’s even given rise (!) to several parody Twitter accounts.
In short (oh, please), it’s become the most talked-about pecker in the land. In fact, we think it’s about time he had his own name. Roger the Todger? Rick the…OK, we’ll go with Roger.
Roger’s become so famous that if he had a mobile phone it would definitely be hacked, and he’d be papped wherever he went. There’d be nowhere to hide, no pair of pants where he’d be safe from prying lenses (which may or may not need to be telephoto).
He’s become an overnight celebrity and, as such, he’s probably going to need his own PR campaign, orchestrated by someone who really knows how to exploit a celebrity penis. Someone like…? No, maybe not in the circumstances.
Penis PR certainly isn’t our thong…sorry…thing, but if it was we’d be setting up interviews for Roger with the Daily Mail (“My wild nights out with Harry”), The Times (“I’m backing Boris for PM”) and Daily Express (“Meet our new weather forecaster”).
We’d have Roger on the sofa with Graham Norton, discussing his life story with Kirsty Young on ‘Desert Island Dicks’ (Is this right? Ed.) and entering the Celebrity Big/Small Brother house.
We’d have a sponsorship deal with either O2 or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (think about it…) and he’d be first on the guest list for the Brits, the Oscars…even the National Soap Awards. He’d be out on the town with Ryan Giggs, Michael Le Vell and Hugh Grant, and he’d be dating Nancy Dell’Olio – or so she’d claim.
His autobiography – might be a short story, might be an enormous hardback – would be featured on Radio 4’s ‘Book at Bedtime’, and we’d sell the film rights to Hollywood, where he’d be played by Verne Troyer or Dwayne Johnson.
Seriously, this PR campaign has ‘award-winner’ written all over it. Or maybe just ‘aw’…